Optimism

Interestingly enough, the Rush song mentioned below actually refers to how the drummer, Neil Peart, felt after losing his daughter and then wife a year later.  It comes from an album called Vapor Trails and was the first studio album that Rush produced after Peart's loss.  In the book Ghost Rider, Peart chronicles the roller coaster ride that is losing loved ones.  He talks about how the pain never really goes away, it just deadens a little with time.  I have come to understand what he means as I deal with losing my son, Lucas, two years ago in March.  You really can't tell yourself not to care, nor can you tell yourself how to feel.  Sometimes the ache of Lucas' death almost suffocates me.  I sit around feeling mopey and can't quite put my finger on it, when suddenly it dawns on me that I am really missing my boy.  It's something I never quite expected.  Who does?

With that said, I still really like the optimism of this e-mail, and I still try to make it a central focus of my life.  I need my reminders, don't get me wrong, but knowing what I know about Jesus Christ and His plan of salvation, I find myself getting through each day being "more than fine, more than just o.k." to quote Switchfoot, another of my favorite bands.  It is important for us to look at our lives and realize that no matter how hard we find things, good things lie in store for us if we are living the way we should be.  And if we are not, well, then we need to change, and those good things will come to us.

Here is a video I watched to day that really drove this point home to me:

So enjoy the e-mail below, look around at all of the blessings that surround you, and hang in there.  

"From: Grant Stoddard <gstoddard86@yahoo.com>

Date: March 8, 2006 1:40:47 AM AKST

Subject: A bright and sunny day

Hi Everyone.

Can I just share my favorite word...it's kind of one of those substitute words to say when you like stub your toe or something...but it is this “bleen” and it means pancake in Russian. :)

I like it...cuz it's cool and nice and what not.

Well...another week come and gone...it blows me away, because it can sometimes be the longest week in the world as you're living it...and then all of a sudden it's Wednesday...you get to write home...and you realize that it hasn't been that bad.

I dunno...it seemed like a good week...but it doesn't seem that eventful to me right now.

Here's just some thoughts that came to me as I read emails this morning...

1 – Missionaries are NOT what everyone thinks. This experience has been absolutely nothing like I pictured in a million years...and I don't think I'll do something that I pictured for as long as I'll be out here...now let me explain that.

Life here is a different thing than one could ever imagine. There are higher standards and whatnot, but it's almost like we aren't really living. Somedays I just stop and realize (Elder Kauwe and I kinda talked about this a bit) that I'm stuck in a time warp...I'm an observer of everything...part of people's life, but not really. I have an influence, but knowledge that within a few months or so, I'm gone keeps anything from setting up relationships with sure foundations. It's weird/interesting/hard to explain all at once...I guess you'd have to walk in my shoes to really see.

2 – Life is wonderful! I dunno...I've always had optimism pounded into my head, so I guess it just always resides there even after those moments of feeling down. Here's why it is – There is a God. He has a plan. I know his plan. I'm living in accordance with his plan. And that's all that EVER matters.

3 – Life is hard. But hey, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Anyway...I kinda don't know where I'm going w/ any of those...they're crazy, and nonsensical, but they were on my mind and it felt good to write...did I ever tell you that this is kind of like a second journal. So you get to bear with me and see sides you might not have ever...lucky you eh?

So the week. It went by fast. We did quite a bit of running around it seems...I was on exchanges for 2 days and so I can't really recall a whole lot...my mind is burdened with other stuff...and I don't quite know what it is or how to explain it. Anyway...i'll try to be newsy.

The sello people kinda bailed on us...no one showed up for church...and I guess they were all just kinda in it to try and get money from us. Oh well...we tried. Who knows what the Lord has in store for them...we'll see in time.

Here's where I start to kind of explain the whole “missionaries aren't what people think”. I remember in the MTC reading “Preach my Gospel” and picturing what happens...what life is like...how things go...everything. And as much as that book has things ideal and laid out for what to get done, I think that often we forget that we are all just people...we still slack at stuff...we let some stuff get the better of us...we slip here or there... but as I've been discussing w/ my companion...a mission really boils down to how you feel when you talk to your Heavenly Father each night. I feel pretty good. I'm happy...I'm doing all that I can to do my best and it's wonderful. Sorry if none of this makes sense to any of you...it does to me, and maybe when I return I can get you to understand...for now, know that I'm alright and happy and stuff and just rambling my thoughts even more.

Sunday...we had church. It was alright, nice and good as usual...then Elder Kauwe and I returned to our apartment...had lunch (no worries we fasted 24 hours :P) and then...we stayed in the apartment for the rest of the night just talking...getting to know one another better...building a stronger relationship and becoming closer friends. We both commented every now and again that we ought to head out and do something, but each time we'd come to that...it didn't feel right. Anyway...I look at stuff that's going on around me now...Elder Isaacs and his companion are kind of struggling getting a long with each other...and Elder Kauwe and I are doing great. I feel that the Lord wanted us to do that...that our relationship had a need to be strengthened at the time...as we now know that we're gonna be together another transfer.

Monday we went to Sister Kondienko. She's pretty cool, and we talked to her and sure enough she referred us to her daughter who'd been investigating kind of off and on...Elder Kauwe knew her a little from the first time he'd been here in Lutsk...and we visited and she mentioned that she felt ready, for the first time in her life, to start taking steps toward living her life according to gospel principles. It was really cool to hear, that times just come when people really understand how important it is to have all of this in their lives.

Tuesday we had a really good district meeting...I liked it a lot. I felt really good and close to the other Elders...we have a great district and these are some people that are the greatest I've ever met in my life...I love em all and get the priveledge of learning so much from em all the time. I went on exchanges w/ Elder Isaacs...taught English (which my students who are bad didn't show this week...so it was pretty good) then had a really cool lesson last night w/ a guy...I sat after and was like... “wow...by myself...I just talked to that guy in Ukrainian – we understood one another – for an hour and a half.” It was nuts...the language comes...just gotta be patient.

Now today...it's kind of a crazy day I think...because Elder Kauwe is the district leader, he's gotta work w/ the other elders to help them resolve any problems in their companionship...so we'll see what goes on there. I think i'm gonna buy an electric shaver...ooooh fun...and that's about it :)

Funny how I don't really have cares at this time...but I have so much on my mind. It's crazy.

I had an epiphony as to my career too...it came to me after I talked to this lady on a bus about how she works with deaf people. I realized that I wanna do something that is helpful to people...something that brings people the hope and light that is in my life. I thought about working with kids or something...but then I thought about that sort of thing that I really like to think about...psychology and stuff...thoughts and junk. So I think (this is now...remember how often I change my mind) that I wanna do something like a counselor or something...but I'd love to be able to do it in regards to the church and gospel...something maybe under the employment of church services...I dunno. It was a random thought...but it felt really good (along w/ all of those 1,000,000 other thoughts I've ever had about a career). I still have plenty of time though...I'm always open to what you guys think about it too...

Um...I think I did send my Phantom CD's to Dad. Not positive...maybe Heidi Jane has em...dunno...but I thought that it'd be cool maybe to get a Joseph soundtrack (learn my Old Testament a little better)...I like to listen to music as I exercise in the morning...and I don't really have a whole lot to choose from...

Well...I dunno if this one's gonna be to exciting for you this week...sorry to let you down.

Keep your fingers crossed for warmer weather...it has been sunny for the past 2 days...so here's hoping.

I was looking up the lyrics to this Rush song today...and I found it...I love the music to it...it's just happy and upbeat and I love it (i've had the tune in my head) so I wanted to sing along and I saw this.

Here's a little trap

That sometimes trips up everyone

When we tire of our own company

Sometimes we're the last to see beyond the day's frustrations

That's how it is – How it's going to be...

That's how it is.

Dunno what it means to you...not positive comepletely what it means to me. I just like the words. I feel that life goes. Life happens. Sometimes we are the last to see beyond that which we're frustrated with. I know I've had more and more peace come to me as I look past my faults and the faults of those around me...let the love of God come into my life and just run w/ it. Life, like I said, is so wonderful. It's a beautiful thing...there are miracles of God all around us...children, the sun, snow melting, love in general. Soak it all in...

Foot upon the stair

Shoulder to the wheel.

You can't tell yourself not to care

you can't tell yourself how to feel...

That's how it is...

That's how it is.

Words of wisdom from Rush...figure it out for yourself...I'm gonna go out and live and be happy.

Smile all! The Lord loves us brothers and sisters :)

I love you.

--Grant"

Oh, and enjoy this Rush song: